The things men wished women knew!

How many of the following statements do you agree/disagree with, or can respond to?

bwahahahahahaha.... although... this is all tongue in cheek... naturally...

Things Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

I know I'm not fat, but I like to be reassured =)

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

I am not putting my hands on a dirty toilet seat when you can put it down after you pee and THEN wash your hands.

3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Fine. I like my hair long. Cut your hair always. Long hair on guys went out ages ago.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

Think of it more a quest to see if you can do better than socks, or one of those "stop move away!" cookie jars. Think perfume, flowers, chocolate, and whatever has cropped up in conversation at odd and yet strangely concidental times.

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

There are some questions you need the answer to do - you may not want to know why guys leave their jocks sunny side up on the bathroom floor, but the answer can sure help you stop them doing it!

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sometimes he's never thinking about me. It hurts.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Don't complain about me talking too much unless you want me to run you over with a monster truck =)

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

I'll keep the cat and keep your wallet. You and your ultimatums on the other hand are negotiable.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Dogs are better than cats, but making a big deal about it just shows what a petty baby you are.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

If Sunday equals sports, then ever major social event involving your family (especially your mother), birthdays, weddings in which you are the best man, anniversary bashes and especially funerals, will all involve me hogging the bathroom and ensuring we get there an hour late. It's like the full moon or the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

It's a lifestyle.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

I know. It's nice to see you're finally paying attention.

13. You have enough clothes.

There are never enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

They're worth more to me than your snide comments.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Crying = feelings. They are like the full moon and the tides. Just let it be.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

I don't have a brother, my ex-boyfriend IS an idiot, and you're a mummy's boy.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Give us what we want. Don't pretend you don't know what it is when you do.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Teach him how to write first.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

There is however, nothing to stop you from "sparing a square" and saving others from having to clean up after you. Your inadequacies at aiming don't HAVE to mean poor bathroom etiquette.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

BECAUSE ALL THREE PAIRS ARE BLACK AND GO WITH ANYTHING YOU MORON.

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

"Yes I will pay for everything for the rest of our lives and not gamble everything on the crack black market" is an acceptable answer.

"No I will not admit paternity to that baby" is not.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

After seeing you naked I think I'll need a psychologist more than anything.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Your Mom doesn't have to be so interfering.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

If I can't have my movies, you can't have yours. Delete the porn off your hard drive.

25. Check your oil.

Check your face. Oh. It's always like that.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Don't drive me to a nervous breakdown because it takes you 20 years to figure out what the dirty laundry basket is for.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Don't pressure us to experience "it". That makes it so much harder to have "it". The pressure makes us feel like mouldy cheese.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

You'd only spell everything wrong anyway.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

Same goes with my agreements to get pay tv, broaband internet, the new Audi, and my tubes tied. Oh and you're the almight breadwinner, so you pay all the cancellation costs =)

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you don't want to be warm, sensitive and romantic towards US in all our glory, we certainly won't be that way toward your genitalia. Ever.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

No. You didn't. You're just saying that to cover your ass.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

BY LOOKING AT ME YOU DUMBASS.

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Don't poke me in the back in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and rub me on the stomach in a half ass attempt to get me in the mood.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

Or you could use your initiative and do it the most sensible and logical way THE FIRST TIME.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Whenever possible, please understand that in a week you will have forgotten who won that game but I'll still be mad at you. And you'll be complaining that you don't know what you've done wrong because you were staring like a ZOMBIE at the screen while I was telling you what was wrong.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Christopher Columbus set sail in the face of all laughter at his dreams and ideas. His was to discover if the world was flat or not - you dream of owning the same four wheel drive our neighbour has. There's a subtle difference here. Oh, you don't know subtlety that's right. You're no all-knowing visionary. Gimme the damn map.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Well start wandering around with your bits and pieces hanging out and we'll see how much you enjoy the nastier comments!

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Consider upping my pre-nup.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

Telling us that we should be more like Tara Reid with her gross botched boob job and disgusting personality is insulting, and you wouldn't like it if we invited man-power Australia to perform in our living room and sat around lamenting how much we wished you looked like their leader.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

The relationship is now boring and if you don't do something about it soon, I won't dump you - I just won't be in the mood for the next ten years.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

You should always have them on hand just in case - for your benefit, not so much mine!

Why guys are better than girls (not usually one to go down this road!)

This one goes out to Tim.

Who I've never met but who commented on my blog. "You should write about why guys are better than girls.. he he he.."

I generally consider myself to be a bit of a feminist. I drive my own car, I got my own bling, as the saying goes. That said there are a number of weaknesses to my sex that I'm just going to have to admit to and a number of strengths that men have that I envy.

First of all, men are pack animals. They have this mysterious ability to enter a room full of other men, strike up a conversation about cricket or football, and immediately assimilate into the collective culture of the room. I've got a few guy friends that you could drag to the funeral of a little old lady they never met that I barely knew myself and they'd still manage to escape the situation with a new golfing partner in tow. I haven't wandered out of any parties recently with a new shopping buddy booked for the Myer Winter sale (who weren't gay men). In fact many women if they don't know anyone there hide in a corner and criticise what they are wearing, and just pray for the event to end.

Second of all when men are upset they hide it so much better. They save face so much more easily thanks to their collective testosterone inciting anger (which reinforces the idea of gusto and manliness) rather than sorrow, and the social understanding that men just do not show emotions. They're not filled up with piles and piles of oestrogen that play havoc with their moods and turn them into fumbling sooks at the drop of a hat. In every performance they get first dibs on playing the strong role, the hero, the protector.

Thirdly men just have so much more physical strength than women and that's just plain handy. If you've ever been a single girl with no brothers and tried to move house by yourself you will understand what I mean by this.

Fourthly we're still living in a society where chauvinism still has a seat in the work place hierarchy, and men are still at the top of that food chain. I personally think although the feminine cause is great simple biology means there will never be a true equality. The men get to earn more money because they don't have childbirth interrupting the career flow, and while they do pay out for the wife and kids and other responsibilities, they get to spend any excess on themselves. Women who don't get the opportunity to earn their own money (usually because they conform to the idea of staying home woth the kids) don't get any excess for themslves, and if they do earn their own money via a career they encounter criticism (towards their choice to work over traditional ideas of maternity) and interruptions that make it more difficult for them.

Ultimately there is a choice women have to make about careers and children that men do not have to make by default. This means they will always have the slight upper hand in the general work environment.

Plus their surpreme ability to assimilate to any male group culture means they've got social networking down pat and get the good opportunities while chicks are in the corner wishing they were invisible. In research for this blog idea I stumbled upon this website - http://www.telluswhymensuck.com . A few favourites that various ladies submitted were:

"Because they are insecure...the future is for women. In about 300 years, they will be obsolete and kept alive in pods only for sperm/reproduction purposes. They are inherently useless and down deep are aware of this. This is why society strives so hard to control women-afraid of our inherent power. But don't worry girls, if not in our lifetime, we will nevertheless triumph in the end."

" Men are like dogs. They make a lot of noise. They demand a lot of attentioni. They'll suffer any humiliation for a piece of meat. They have no dignity.... and they stink!"

"Because I always get cheated on or treated like ass. So I just really think that men can go to hell. Every relationship i have ever had, sucked...well....maybe not all of them, because I remember in the first grade, my boyfriend did my homework for me. He was nice. His name was Brian Willing(go figure)."

Not sure I agree completely with these although I love the humour. There ARE nice guys out there and carrying on as though all men are evil is a little bit exaggerated. Still, there are some flaws I would invite my readers to consider:

- men don't put the toilet seat back down again and more often than not don't like to be told. Not just about the toilet seat. About ANYTHING.

- the pack mentality of the average male means they get white line fever and forget to smell the roses along the way

- many men don't like to talk about feelings and have those important conversations where meaning gets across. this is annoying because often meaning is misread, miscommunications ensue, and fights occur where no one knows why one is angry at the other

- the pack mentality of the male makes them really freaking annoying when they're in a room full of their mates.

Yet they feel so good when you cuddle them and any chick that tells you they don't like it when the guy takes on that protector hero role is a big fat liar.

Bottom line (and Sean, if you're reading this, thanks for this one): Men. "can't live with 'em... can't live without 'em "